Two Words Project 2013: Fearless Intimacy

Psychedelic Hanuman (monkey god dude) pretty much sums it all up…

Yep, my Two Words for this year are Fearless + Intimacy. You can string them together, keep them separate, or have it both ways.

I don’t know about y’all, but I feel like I’ve started 2013 on the tail-end of a cracking whip. Or maybe I’m the hand that holds said cracking whip? Perhaps I’m both the whip and the whip cracker? Likely.

Regardless, January was busy and intense and moved faster than a hoard (flock? pride?) of whirling dervishes. What with Calligraphy Yoga teacher training (review coming soon), Nadine Fawell’s Light Up Your Life course (still going!), the planning of my almost here (whoop whoop!) travels and just LOTS of social activities… it’s been wild.

And we’re only jusssst into February. *takes deep breath*

Somewhere in there my 2013 Two Words came thundering out the blocks, smacking me about the head with a “what, are you daft?” attitude. OF COURSE this is what we’re about this year, my sub-conscious exclaimed. But it’s not about just the obvious stuff, ‘kay?

Okay then!

Intimacy was a given

It immediately came up when pondering my Two Words for the year; there was never any doubt.

And here’s where I overshare by way of explanation.

Firstly, I’ve been single since 2005. For good reasons, natch.

Like… being assaulted by someone I’d been involved with. It took 5+ years to recover from PTSD and even longer to trust myself again, let alone anyone else. As much as I wanted to be in a relationship, I simply wasn’t capable of letting anyone in. Period.

You see, I had a great deal of work to do. There’s a lot to learn about the Self from having one’s heart, mind and soul broken into a bazillion pieces. No, I am not exaggerating.

I could write an essay (and just might!) on the concept of Intimacy:

• As something one must attain as an inner state (see the teachings of Mark Whitwell/Krishnamacharya) before genuine intimacy with others can be considered;
• As an act of self-love and self-nourishment;
• That intimacy suggests connection, emotional honesty, and recognising that you really aren’t as separate and alone as you tend to think;
• As a way of seeing the world and all people, regardless of our relationship with them.

See… like many people, I don’t have the best track record when it comes to romantic relationships.

But funnily enough, being terrorised, threatened, and receiving a black eye, a cracked cheek bone and a mild concussion? Was a solid enough reason for reassessing my relationship history.

So I simply didn’t have ANY relationships. Sure I dated a little, with varying degrees of (dis)comfort.

However, what was needed was for me to get right with myself. To build strong boundaries and understand what a healthy interaction between two people really looks like. Without a doubt, I’m still learning.

Yet if Mr Right crossed paths with me today? I’d be pretty certain he really is a good match and I’d be 100% cool with taking my time. ALOT of time.

Actually. There’s a good chance I wouldn’t even notice Mr. Right’s interest. It’d pretty much have to be a parade down main street. With signs.

Like these words of advice by Neil Gaiman on how to seduce a writer:

Anyway, I’ve done a massive amount of inner work in the last seven years. I know who I am, what I need and where I’m going.

I guess making Intimacy one of my words for the year is by way of declaring that I’ve dismantled the barricades, and my heart is open for business once again. Ta-dah!

The Fearless thing…

There was some argy-bargy around my second word (which was the “Fearless” part) but in the midst of my superbly intense yoga training, it clarified.

When that happened, I simultaneously felt my entire spine tingle and hot spiky tears in my eyes. Which is a pretty awesome experience, actually. Zing!

For me Fearless…

• Does NOT mean being without fear, but taking action in the face of one’s fears. Just like Hanuman, who did whatever he had to in order to rescue Sita. Hanuman had a goal and he went for it. This is the only way to achieve big changes in your life!
• As a stand-alone word, it relates to the positive and self-induced changes I’m bringing on this year: leaving my job; travelling to India; and studying for an eventual career change.
  All these things are scary, but taking risks allows space for opportunities to arise.
• When related to Intimacy, is about realistically assessing myself as well as any men I end up dating. No more going out with men based solely on physical attraction/excellent sex! (I know, TMI)
• Means finding my mojo switch. For the longest time, I didn’t want to be attractive/attracted to men. Understandably. But that’s over, and I’ve gotta practice putting myself out there…

That isn’t all though, when it comes to Fearless + Intimacy

My recent yoga teacher training stirred other familiar experiences in the pit of my being.

I’ve long accepted that I’m not ever going to be the most accomplished yogi in the room – that ain’t part of my thing. I’m the every-woman kind of yoga teacher, and I like it that way. But I still find it intimidating sometimes, being in a room full of super-yogi types – and there were plenty of them in the January session.

The intimidation I feel in such circumstances generates the desire to withdraw. Be small and unnoticeable. Only, as an almost 6 foot tall, busty and broad-shouldered woman, I’m never gonna be small. Ha!

Then there’s that thing I do with teachers I admire, as I admire Master Yang. I want to withdraw and yet ache to be able to communicate with these teachers as I would with anyone else. Instead, I get a little case of star struck-ness perhaps? Which makes me shy (I know, right?).

Only… that ain’t the way to learn from a teacher! You’ve gotta be prepared to ask questions, and feel free to speak up so you get the most out of your time and money.

It occurred to me that this, too, is a function of Intimacy. Being prepared to be vulnerable and open, because your teacher/those super-yogis can probably see how you feel anyway. Especially if you’re a heart on your sleeve type, like me.

Fearless Intimacy really is about being who you are, even when you feel like that might not be good enough.

Honesty = Intimacy.

Also? Getting what you want requires Fearlessness.

I could keep going

There’s much to unpack here!

Instead, you can expect more Two Words updates from me throughout the year.

And for now I’ll say cheerio and ask: have you got your own Two Words sorted for the year? Do you know what possibilities you want to open up for yourself?

~ Amanda

P.S. Melbourne peeps! Nadine’s holding a Two Words workshop on 16th February. It includes yoga, writing and food. Get in on the goodness. You won’t regret it!